Week 18 - Flutters of Life

Tuesday morning, I woke up feeling really unsettled. I'd been feeling guilty about not getting any kind of nesting urge, or looking at baby clothes or furniture for the nursery. It was getting to the point of causing some anxiety about what kind of mother I would be, so that morning I just cried it out a bit while Andy held me, putting voice to a lot of my worries. Why am I not more attached to the baby? I wanted this for so long, and I still don't have any urge to look at clothes, does that mean I won't be happy when the baby is here? And why haven't I felt any movements yet? Am I just not paying enough attention? Does that mean I'm a bad mom too? Once I was finally calm again, we talked about what might be going on (we try to not jump to "it's the hormones" every time I get upset, so that if it is an issue that needs to be worked through, we do) and a couple good points came out.

One of the effects of waiting to think about names until we know whether Little One is a boy or a girl is that it hasn't felt like a person. It's hard to bond with something that you only refer to as Little One, "the baby", or it. It's even harder to bond when the only evidence of Little One's presence has been a growing belly and continued morning sickness. So we decided to start talking about names anyway and it quickly became apparent that there aren't a ton of boy's names that A. aren't already given to other family members, B. aren't so overly chic as to be the Jennifer of the 2000's (I'm looking at you, Aiden), or C. don't have some kind of negative connotation because of people we know with the name. We decided to give it some thought and come back to it later, but even that much made me feel immensely better.

So after all my bitching about not feeling anything yet, imagine my surprise later that afternoon to be standing in line at Costco and realize that my stomach has this kind of funny feeling. Not in a bad way, just enough to make me pause and think "What's going on now? I better not be about to get nauseous again. I'm not hungry, I just had a snack 30 minute ago. I'm not nervous, it's Costco for crying out loud. Nothing I ate would make me gassy, so why would it feel like there's bubbles in my...OHHHHHHHH." Then I got this huge smile. I kept feeling little butterfly flutters for the rest of the day and into the next morning, and then things quieted down a bit. Little One seems most active when I'm walking around fast, and after Frisky time, which is actually pretty common for babies. Wouldn't you feel good after getting an endorphin rush and going on a roller coaster?

I'm feeling pretty good myself. I've been outgrowing my everyday shirts pretty steadily, but I still have a few left. I tried to order stuff online, and apparently I'm between sizes because they tell you to to order your pre-pregnancy size, but I was swimming in half the stuff. Unfortunately, I will not be swiming, since the only plus size swimsuit at Motherhood Maternity is no longer available, and I can't find anything from other retailers. I guess it's on to walking and the Wii. I'll probably enjoy walking more now that I know I'll be able to feel the baby a lot afterwards. Perhaps it will even be incentive enough to do it every day.

Little One is about 5.5 ounces now, which is charmingly described in What to Expect When You're Expecting as a cuter version of the chicken breasts I eat for dinner. Seriously? That's all they could come up with? I guess I won't be eating chicken for dinner. Something that is cute: Little One has fingerprints, even though the finger and toe pads are tiny, I'm guessing maybe the size of a grain of rice. Little One is also starting to yawn and hiccup. I have no idea what that will feel like, but at some point, I'll feel that just as well as the little kicks and rolls.