Back to Rainbows and Sunshine

It's amazing to me looking back that I had even considered keeping up a blog (here or somewhere else) after Brianna was born. We barely have time to keep a semi-clean house and get healthy meals and maybe even have Frisky Time at least once a week (don't worry, this won't be a TMI post). But there are so many things I've wanted to share here, so I'm going to try to find some time to post now and then.

The most important change in my life over the past few months has been finally feeling better. Postpartum depression is a Bi-atch with Sucky Sauce on the side. It takes what should be the most magical, precious time in your relationship with your children and sucks away your will to really see life for what it is. Incredibly tough at times, a learning experience every single day, but so much wonder in every new thing they do and express and discover. Watching her joyfully grab her feet to play with her toes when they're finally freed from her pajamas helps balance the exhaustion of waking up every night at 4am.

For now, her world revolves around the fact that she has feet and hands and a mouth and can blow bubbles with her food and kick her legs like crazy, watching the silly things Andy and I do to keep her distracted when she's on the edge of a meltdown.  These simple things are enough to make me utterly content as a mother almost all the time. And I am really, truly happy.

For now, the hardest moments come when I forget that she is blossoming into a person, and every day she will become a little more independent with her own agenda of what she wants to be doing and the means to make it difficult for me to push my own will on her. As tempting as it is to just think of her as a cute puppet who will go along with whatever I need (or want) to do, she lets me know when she's not happy with the plan. It doesn't mean I have to give everything over to her, but it helps to remember that she's not doing it to piss me off, and that there are times when picking my battles makes everything smoother for everyone.

(She's already working on the limp fish routine when I try to trim her nails. I can only imagine what it's going to be like when she has her first temper tantrum in the grocery store over something I'm not inclined to add to our grocery cart. Unless she wants Oreos, in which case we're also getting some peanut butter to dip them in.)

Going with the flow has become a touchstone for me. The more I fight to stick with my own vision of what's supposed to happen, the harder it is to make anything happen. Sometimes I just have to let it go and stop trying to expect how other people (people meaning a 6 month old, assorted relatives, and random drivers who won't get off their damn phones) will behave in my life. (Because that totally worked before, you know.) They're not doing everything with the express purpose of making my life hell, they're just doing what fits with their own plan. It doesn't have to be a reflection of me when I can't figure her out, because she doesn't even know what she wants. I just have to pause and remember that I'm doing the best I can with what I know and trying to figure out the things I don't know.

So for anyone out there wondering if they'll ever feel like themselves again, when they'll finally have that bubbly constant love other moms seem to have for their kids, why they can't turn off the harsh voice and just enjoy their family - it gets better. With a lot of help and support and self-reflection, I'm finally where I wanted to be when pregnancy was still just a dream.

If you don't feel like you're living, there are a lot of people who want to help. You just have to take the first step and let somebody know. Here are some websites that I found helpful, encouraging, and/or downright life-saving:

From the NIH, good descriptions of what you might be feeling and lots of great resources to look through for you as well as your partner.

A list of 14 tips to prevent PPD from Ask Moxie. These are still helpful even when you're in the thick of it, so check them out.  Mostly I love her tone and approach. No holier-than-thou "you must do this!", just "do what makes it easier and more loving for everyone in your house right now, and what gets everyone the most sleep."

If breastfeeding is a priority, check out kellymom. Lots of great info that can help make breastfeeding less difficult/confusing/painful.

Dooce. She went through PPD and laid it all out there to help break down the stigma of mental illness. She's also funny as hell when she's writing about other stuff, and sometimes you need a good laugh.


It's a scary place to be. Please don't try to go through alone. You're not weak, you're not the World's Most Unqualified Mother, you're not a disappointment to your baby/your spouse/God/the cashier you always get on your weepiest trips to the grocery store.

You won't feel this way forever.