Feeling a Bit Down

I was all set to right up the Birth Plan Version 2.0, but this afternoon I found out that I didn't pass my one-hour glucose test and need to go back in for a three-hour test. I'm taking it really hard for several reasons, most of which are a tad silly, if not downright absurd. I know most women who do the three-hour test do pass it, but this time I'm really anxious.

Part of this is probably that I felt kind of cocky after the last round of tests at 16 weeks. Ha, you silly doctors, I'm totally doing fine and there was no need for me to do this obnoxious test. But clearly I'm not doing so well now (in no small part due to candy from Christmas, I'd wager), so I get to go in and get my blood pulled every hour while I get crabby sitting in the waiting area. Oh, the joy. Compared to how I smoothly everything went that time, I just feel like a failure for not taking better care of myself, even though it's just a simple test at this point and not a definitive diagnosis.

So by now I've convinced myself that I do have gestational diabetes, which is the bigger part of my anxiety at the moment. I saw my mom go through it with my little brother, and I'm really not looking forward to anything that involves poking my finger to get blood several times a day. I also know that I would really struggle with the dietary restrictions, though in some ways it would be simple enough. I'm just so used to saying, I feel like having xyz, and if it's not too bad for me or at least has something to offer by way of nutrition (like the hot chocolate that has a serving of calcium), enjoying it. I don't do well feeling constrained, so I'd likely need help just figuring out how not to crave more sugar as a result of restricting myself. A coworker was trying to reassure me by saying "What's really the worst that would happen because of this?" and all I could come up with was "No more chocolate! How would I live?!"

Having GD would also be problematic for Brianna and I as the due date gets closer. Babies of moms with GD tend to grow bigger too fast, so I'd probably have to be induced early, which I really, really wanted to avoid. I'd probably have to go in for more ultrasounds (some of which Aetna has refused to pay, which sucks because I wasn't expecting to pay out another $300 on top of our expected bill) and go in more frequently to see the doctors. Then there's the whole immediately after birth situation, where Brianna could have a serious drop in blood sugar after she's no longer getting my too-high blood sugar levels and then suddenly getting her own blood to circulate. Long term, we'd both be at higher risk for regular diabetes.

So yeah, I'm in a kind of unhappy anxious mood. I don't like having to wait to get a final answer, but because of several work commitments most mornings, I will be waiting to retest until Friday and then probably won't hear back until the following week. The birth plan will probably get up here at some point...but definitely not tonight.