Week 10 - So Tired

I'm so tired. Literally fatigued, which is totally normal right now. But also a little bit tired emotionally. I'm feeling so unable to take care of myself, and I'm uncomfortable with being dependent on other people this much. I have to move so slowly to get things done or I get nauseous, which makes everything take forever. It makes me less reliable, both at work and at home. I can't be the one to grab the mail and unlock the door when we get home while Andy grabs our bags because it takes me almost twice as long as it normally would. I can't just run and grab something off the printer because getting up and then sprinting over are just out of the question. When I try to unload the dishwasher or put away groceries, I get maybe halfway through and know that I can finish it but be unable to do anything else for awhile, or I can leave it unfinished (which I tend to equate with personal failure, though less so now) and be able to get other tasks partly done too.

I'm adjusting to it, but not as quickly as I'd like. Something I've started to pick up on is that it really is better for me to do several half-done chores than to do one completely and perfectly and nothing else. Andy can pick up the slack of finishing a few things better than taking on everything plus taking care of me. But it's hard to be a perfectionist procrastinator. [Side note, in case you have never heard this, because it certainly helped me make a lot more sense to myself: Perfectionists are often procrastinators, not because they don't want to do something (because in fact they like being able to say, Ha, I did that too, bitches!), but because they don't want to start it out of a fear of failure. If you don't start something, you can't fail at it by doing a imperfect job or by giving up/not being able to finish. So, put off the things you're scared of, and you'll be successful every time! This isn't exactly a logical position, nor is it helpful to a functioning healthy person, but it's what we do. Why I procrastinate is a whole other post altogether. One which will probably not be posted publicly.] Anywho, I'm learning to decide what's really important (both long-term and short-term), let "good enough" actually be "enough", and know my limits before I've reached them. Otherwise, I would just focus on the things I know I can handle and ignore everything else, whether or not that's the best decision.

I'm also a little tired of having the sucky parts of pregnancy without the "fun" stuff. Like not having nausea. Or having energy. Or being definitely-pregnant-looking, as opposed to, "Is she expecting, or has she hit up Krispy Kreme too often?". Or getting the radiant glow and thick hair. Right now, I look a bit like I've been pulling all nighters and forgetting to bathe often enough. (Not that I stink or have greasies. I would smell myself if I did, and I wash my hair daily. I just have some horrible pimples and sort of dull looking skin. I probably just need a facial or something.) Also, the thick dark hair that I thought couldn't possibly get worse after letting my testosterone levels rise again? Yeah, it's worse. Instead of thick hair on my scalp, I have these terrifyingly dark hairs on my face and neck and belly. So bad that I'm pretty sure I'll be beating Andy in the who-has-more-hair-on-their-upper-lip? competition that my body seems to be intent on winning. See, even my hair follicles are perfectionists! I just can't win. Except as a bearded lady. Sigh.

Little One is a prune, or a strawberry. And it has fingers and toes, and functional elbows. My uterus is a bit bigger than a grapefruit, and I'm pretty much out of my regular clothes, except the ones that were really loose to start. I was so uncomfortable that I went to work in maternity jeans on Friday, despite the no-jeans-even-on-Casual-Fridays rule. I justified it by saying that I probably wouldn't see my boss's boss or the VP of the company (the real stickler about the rule) if I hid out in a secretive office space/vampire lair where the sun don't shine. ie, where we rarely allow clients or subcontractors because we do the prep work for bids for new business opportunities, and we rarely see the higher-ups down there. I'm seriously considering re-naming it the batcave. [I am so distractable right now. Sorry for that tangent...] Anywho, I thought, I'll be hidden away and he'll never even see me. Except he came down to find the leader on this project to discuss some sudden changes, and stopped in the room to ask where The Leader was, and then got chatty. And while trying to smile and be pleasant and natural, all I could think was "please don't make me stand up. please don't make me stand up. please ignore the jeans. please don't make me stand up. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THAT IS HOLY, IGNORE THE FACT THAT I HAVE BROKEN YOUR SACRED RULE BECAUSE I AM IN THE JOHN HURT WAY AND THERE IS AN ALIEN THREATENING TO MAKE MY STOMACH EXPLODE!" (special Coupling reference. I had to do it at some point.)

okay, last tangent. I am burping a lot, thanks to this whole expanding uterus, decreasing room for GI system. but the dog can surely let one rip to rival all root beer burps, especially for such a small 20 pound beast. She makes me feel so much better about myself.